Dare I say....

...I see a light at the end of the tunnel?

I've struggled this week with whether or not to put into words the hope and positivity I'm feeling. This process has been so fraught with uncertainty I'm almost afraid that if I talk about "the good" I'm going to jinx it. Mind you, before adoption, I was not really a superstitious person - yet another thing about me that has changed.

Without sharing too much detail, it appears the issue of Intercountry Adoption has been raised amongst the powers-that-be in Kyrgyzstan. Even better is that the conversations have trended toward positive lately instead of negative. Currently, there is no concrete, confirmed information coming out of Kyrgyzstan about the future of adoptions or the cases stalled in-process. There are a lot of theories floating around that seem to indicate that adoptions will indeed continue, it's just a matter of when.

That said, I still grieve for the time we've lost with K, but am more confident now than before that she will eventually come home to us.

There will be another conference call this coming Wednesday, during which I hope to learn that the 65 children who have been waiting to be united with their forever families are going to be coming home - SOON! I will try to post an update later next week.

Thank you for your continued prayers for us and all of the waiting orphans. Happy Easter!

9 Months

We were told she'd be home by the time she was 4 months old. Today our precious girl is 9 months old. Hang on, sweetie, we'll get there!

Spring?

Seems like an eternity again since I've last posted. On the adoption front, I'm afraid there is absolutely nothing to share. We've received no photos or updates on K since mid-January and the process in Kyrgyzstan appears to continue it's stall. Every Monday I wake and convince myself "this is the week" and every Friday I concede to the fact that I was wrong again. The arbitrary date of April 2nd has been thrown out most recently as a day to anticipate a meeting or announcement of some sort. For now, that's what I'll cling to.

Around here, we are preparing for Spring. As is pretty typical here in Wisconsin, the weather has been just plain weird. It was 75 degrees last Tuesday and yesterday we woke to a dusting of snow on the ground. It IS coming, though - the brown grass is plainly visible as is all the dirt, dead leaves, and litter that lay buried beneath the snow all winter. We are slowly beginning the big clean up.

We have so many projects lined up for spring. Part of me is anxious to get them all done in a hurry so we'll be ready to take off and bring K home. The other part of me just doesn't know where to begin.

The last portion of our downstairs that isn't finished is being converted to a very cool kids' playroom. Thanks to my wonderful and talented Dad, the construction part of it is all handled. We just have to get off our duffs and do the painting.

We are going to be buying/building a play set for E (and K) and I hope to have that done before his birthday.

Our cedar fence is in desperate need of staining. We need to put a border in along our hedges out front to contain the few rocks that are left. Then there's raking, window washing, garden planting, and all the other fun stuff that will make it look like summer around here.

E has been terribly sick on and off for the last 2 months. He can't seem to go with more than a week healthy. This morning he had another febrile seizure which is exhausting for him and takes a couple more years off Mommy's and Daddy's lives. As a result Kevin and I have had way too many days off work lately. Hopefully with the warmer weather he will get back to his crazy, silly, healthy self.

We have been able to get out on some of the nice days when E is feeling good and go to the park, fly kites (his newest passion), blow bubbles, and draw pictures all over Daddy's pristine driveway. :)

He's also graduated to Perch swimming class. That means he goes all by himself now without Mommy or Daddy - pretty impressive! Unfortunately 2 of the last 3 classes he's been sick so he hasn't been able to go.

Here's a few pics of our springtime fun!

time to raise the flags:

flying his kite:

that's his - waaaay up there:

giving Daddy some advice:


at the park:

Ten Things......

I'm "stealing" a post from fellow blogger and adoptive parent, Cindy. She has been such an inspiration and voice of reason for me over the last 2 years. She always seems to be able to eloquently express emotions, struggles and joys that she and so many adoptive parents feel. Please take a look - click here

I'll warn you - if you are new to her blog, you won't be able to stop reading!

Tagged

I've been tagged by Ann and Laura.

The directions... Go to your fourth photo file location and post your fourth photo in that file - NO cheating! If you're reading this, consider yourself tagged! :)

I wasn't really surprised to find that my fourth photo in my fourth file was adoption related - I think 90% of my pictures relate in some way to E. This was an "oldie", though. Thanks to my sister-in-law for this beautiful cake she had made for my shower before E came home!

Here's a cute little game that Janiece passed on to me. I ended up with the letter T.

Here are the rules…If you want to play, leave a comment on this post letting me know, and I’ll assign you a letter. You write about ten things you love that begin with your assigned letter, and post it at your place. When people comment on your list, you give them a letter, and the chain continues on and on!

Here's my 10 in no particular order!

1. Today - I love that I got to wake up this morning and spend another day on this Earth.

2. Toni - E's teacher at school. She is one of the most incredibly patient and talented women I have ever met! She truly loves "her kids" and E truly loves her. It is because of her that I can feel safe and comfortable leaving E every day.

3. Twenty-four - It's my favorite number! Kevin and I started dating on the 24th, we moved into our first home on the 24th, moved into our second home on the 24th and most importantly, E became our son on the 24th! Incidently we were married on the 22nd, and received E's referral on the 27th.

4. Toddler - I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE my toddler! I had to work him in here, somewhere - he doesn't have a 'T' name.

5. Turtle anything - my indulgent love - Turtle cheesecake, turtle ice cream, turtle candies, turtle sundaes, if it's turtle, I love it! Okay, maybe not turtle soup......

6. Tatoos - Perhaps a surprise to some, but I have a few and if it were socially acceptable (and free), I'd probably be covered in them!

7. Technology - I am so grateful for the support and friendship I have found during our adoption processes thanks to technology.

8. Tulips - one of my very favorite flowers, expecially because when they come up in my yard I know spring is close!

9. Telephone - I'm more addicted to my computer now than my telephone, but I still love hearing a friendly voice on the other end!

10. Tomorrow - I started with loving today, I will certainly love tomorrow!

One step forward....

As many of you know, our adoption journey has been fraught with uncertainty and fear the last several months. For the first time in a while, we have been given a small, concrete, piece of hope that this IS truly going to happen. There are a lot of important people involved in trying to resolve the issues surrounding inter-country adoption from Kyrgyzstan and for them, we are thankful! It is our sincere hope that the coming week provides the 60+ waiting families promising news with regards to bringing their beautiful children home. As I have stated, I must be a little careful about posting details (as this is a public blog), but I will say that for now, we are more hopeful than ever that we will have our precious girl in our arms someday.

Family Getaway

Last weekend we spent a wonderful 2 days at the Atlantis Hotel & Waterpark in WI Dells. It was a much needed break from all the stress of the last several weeks. The waterpark is open to children only under 11 so it was great to be able to allow E to explore and be silly without having to worry about crazy adults and teenagers plowing him down. He absolutely loved it and we were all pretty exhausted and waterlogged by Sunday afternoon. Most importantly, it was a chance to get away and just celebrate being a family. Here's a few of my favorites from the weekend.

....and the wait continues....

Not too much else to say right now. The officials are back from holiday, everyone is in place, yet nothing is happening. There is still no one that can provide any sort of estimated timeline for all of us waiting families.

On a brighter note, we received 2 new photos of K from our coordinator today. They are a little dark and blurry, but she looks pretty darn good. There is some confusion regarding the measurements that accompanied the photos. I'm hoping they are truly not hers. If they are, they reveal that while she has grown 2 inches, her weight remains unchanged from nearly 3 months ago. With her complex medical needs, this has been our biggest fear. She is at extraordinary risk for infection and malnutrition and if she has stopped gaining weight we have much reason to worry. That being said, I haven't traditionally put a great deal of stock in measurements received because there is simply no standardized method of obtaining accurate weights or measurements over there. Hopefully we will receive word in the next few days that the information from today was indeed, inaccurate.

So, we continue to hope and pray for a resolution to the delays. K will be 7 months old this coming Sunday. I pray that we will be together next month!

Raw Honesty and Emotion

I am posting today, with her permission, a letter written by a fellow blogger and Kyrgyz PAP to her agency representative. It is one of the most touching, honest and couragous letters I have read.

Please let me preface this by sharing some of my feelings about it. I am not as eloquent a writer as she, so bear with me.

This process has been, to say the least, one of the most scary and frustrating things I have ever been through. We (PAP's) are reminded every single day by family, friends, government officials and agency representatives that we must remain positive, have faith and trust in the process. I cannot count how many times I have heard "if it's meant to happen, it will - just be patient". Most days, I will agree, but there are many days where I would like to respond with "that's a load of crap". The fact is, we are completely powerless, at the mercy of people we don't know. We have no idea what is going on with these children and that hurts. For those who have children at home, imagine spending 6, 7, 8, and in some cases even 9 months over 6000 miles away from them with no contact and tell me how sad and worried you would be every day. Add to that the stress of not knowing when or if you will ever be reunited. Just because we don't have a piece of paper yet that says they are ours, in our hearts, they are. For most of us, we don't have a large group of loved ones that can possibly understand what we're going through and that is hard, too. That's why I am so incredibly grateful for my virtual family. We are scattered all over the US, but I can always log on and find someone who will "listen", commiserate, and help lift me up. I hope that I have done the same for them.

I have a lot of good days where I am happy and hopeful, but they are often overshadowed by the bad ones. I am a firm believer in the power of positive thinking, but as L states in her letter below, this process has at times shaken my faith in God and humanity. Please pay close attention to the last line of the following letter and excuse me for my bad days because I am definitely not in my right mind sometimes.

E's adoption was ridiculously fast and smooth, but K's has not been. I know if and when we bring her home it will all have been worth it, but right now I am hurting along with about 60+ other families stuck in the uncertainty of the current delays.

Without further adieu - the letter that inspired me to have the guts to share this with you:

"...I will continue to worry. I have lost much of my faith in the possibility that any part of this adoption will run smoothly. I am now terrified that the letters will come and ours will all sit on a desk with no one to handle them.I am not placing blame, but it has been just one horrible turn after another. I have come to expect the next catastrophe.I am outraged that the Kyrgyz officials have not had the foresight or compassion to protect the rights of their most vulnerable citizens. But even more, I am incredibly frustrated by our lack of voice in advocating for our children (not biologically, or legally ours but in our minds, hearts and souls, they are) and feeling that no one else can or is willing to move mountains for them like we feel they should. To us it feels the world should stand still until this is fixed!The only thing that could bring relief is to have complete faith that EVERYTHING that can be done - is being done. I do not feel this is the case right now.We live with this frustration and pain 24/7 and it wears down our spirit. The only time I am not feeling sad and helpless is when I am trying to find a means to fight for them, but that is also to no avail. I am not exaggerating to say that losing our baby boy was less painful than this process has been.I know it must be hard and frustrating for you as well. I guess I just need for you to know that you are now dealing with a group of frenzied, heartbroken, parents that are half out of their minds with worry. But I am sure you already know this. I do not think most of us are behaving in our normal manner. It is not my nature to be suspicious and un-trusting. However, I am constantly wondering who is telling a lie, or hiding information in regards to the adoption. I no longer trust my own instincts or gut feelings in this area. It is the most bizarre emotional experience I have ever had. And frankly it has been trying my faith that God is watching over me and my family.So I pray for a happy ending for all. I can't comprehend the depth and breadth of the damage that could be done if this were to fall through for us and the many children waiting. But please, in the meantime, excuse my behavior and my questions and all that must be annoying for all of you dealing with all of us. Truly, we are not in our right minds."

Holiday Wrap up

Whew - it always goes by so fast, doesn't it?

We had an awesome holiday. E was so into it this year - the presents, that is. We were blessed to spend some very special time with immediate and extended family and had just an exceptional Christmas.

Our New Year's was pretty quiet, just us and our 2 closest friends gathered for a fabulous meal, a few cocktails and lots of laughs.

While 2008 was very good to us and so many amazing and wonderful things happened, we are happy to say farewell and are anxiously waiting to see what 2009 will bring. One of the biggest and most special of course being the addition of K to our family. We are told that things are supposed to "start moving" in January and are keeping our fingers crossed that we will travel in February. Selfishly, we just want her here. We want to get to know her and learn about her and fall in love with her. The fact is, though, she NEEDS to come home. With every passing month, beginning medical treatment for her condition becomes more critical to her long term well-being and health.

2009 will also be a year of transition for E. My baby will turn 3! I can't hardly believe it, but I guess it's going to happen. He will be transitioned into the public school system for Early Childhood and out of our County's Birth to 3 program. He has 4 therapists and we will miss them terribly. He has caught up to his peers and is even a little bit ahead in some areas. He can independently say his ABC's, count to 10, recognize nearly all of the letters of the printed alphabet, and sing songs. He's made such huge gains cognitively and developmentally over the last 20 months. He is growing and changing so fast, sometimes I just want to hit "pause" and have a little more time to get used to it. For all those people who've said it to me, I'm happy to say I've learned the true meaning of "enjoy it, they grow up so fast".

With the holidays behind, I am in full blown nesting mode. I find myself cleaning things that don't really need to be cleaned, organizing and reorganizing and then yup, you guessed it, organizing again. I've been gravitating to the baby aisle at stores and picking up just a couple of things here and there. Daddy and E lovingly assembled K's crib and it is ready to be filled with her cuteness. I know we could still be in for a long wait, but if you've read The Secret then you know what I'm doing. If you haven't read it, you need to! Hopefully the Universe will listen and return all the positive mojo we're sending out there!

To all of our family and friends - "real" and "virtual" - Happy New Year! May all of our dreams come true and our children come home!

Okay, here's what you really came for - enjoy the pictures:

It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it (thank goodness I've got my boys)!

Nothing better than giving a friend a ride!
Winter driving in Wisconsin....need I say more?
Hanging his chosen Kyrgyz ornament for the year.
"Bring on the presents"!
Now THAT's a present!
Just plain being silly!
The boxes are still just as much fun as the toys inside.

What a charming family if I may say so myself.

Hair again!

I couldn't resist giving you all an extra large preview today - those eyes just make me melt! I love it when her hair starts to grow back! I'm sure the 'do will be short lived, but at least we get a peek of how cute she will be once she actually gets to keep her lovely locks!

Thank you, Ann, for giving us this little piece of heaven! Glad you're home safe.

Bad, Bad Blogger

Sorry - looks like I promised in my last post (over THREE weeks ago) to update frequently during my time off work. Here we are less than one week to go of my medical leave and I've not written a thing.

Unfortunately, there is not much to report on the adoption front. Things still are not moving and there is not expected to be any major breakthroughs before the end of the year. Our precious little angel will be spending Christmas 6000 miles away, but very much in our hearts. Please continue to pray for the "powers that be" to come to a consensus soon and let our kiddos come home.

I've been a very busy little bee the last month. I felt way better than I thought I would much sooner than I thought I would, so my days have been filled with shopping, wrapping, cleaning, baking, addressing holiday cards, and so much more! I keep teasing Kevin that I will be having surgery every year from now on right before the holidays - this has been my most prepared and productive year to date! Alas, next Thursday I will return to work and things will hopefully return to normal, controlled chaos around here.

For my Southern and Western friends - here's a little taste of Wisconsin:

Pictures for our Christmas card - Yes, he is holding and kissing a picture of K, but we can't let you see her just yet! :)

Little Updates and Lots of Pictures

I am at home, in front of my computer, recovering from surgery. I am off work for the next several weeks and will try to keep my blog a little more updated than I have in the recent past. I promised pictures a few posts back and here, I will make good on that promise.

As for updates, God Bless S. who just returned from Bishkek for a visit with her wee girl and sent us some great photos of K and some very encouraging updates, as well. It appears she is healthy and growing and for that we are so happy! While there is no concrete information at this time about potential travel, we are still hopeful that we will bring K home sooner than later! :)

Without further adieu - here are some pics of our precious monkey at his finest:

All is well

Just a very quick post to say thank you for the positive vibes and prayers. E's surgery went very well and his recovery has been smooth so far. He continues to amaze me with his good nature and resilience!

I will post more soon and include some great pictures, too!

Shout out to the Adoptive Mama Pajama Party going on in Bishkek right now! Hope you girls are having fun and giving those babies millions of hugs and kisses! Be safe and enjoy your time in that beautiful city!!

"Love you Mommy"

The three little words I've dreamed of hearing for years. E said them the other night all by himself without prompting. Okay, it was actually "lub u mommy", which only made it more precious and adorable. I am constantly amazed at how lucky I am to have been chosen to parent this amazing little person. :)

Trick-or-treating on Sunday was really fun. E was a little shy when he was actually face to face with strangers at their doors, but he seemed to enjoy it anyway. About halfway through he did start remembering his "thank yous", although he wasn't able to get a "tikoteat" out. It was a very cold, windy day so we weren't out for very long.

Tomorrow is surgery day for our little monkey. Please think of him at 9:15 CST tomorrow and pray that his procedure goes smoothly. We sure appreciate it!

We received new measurements of K today from our coordinator. She continues to grow and a respectable rate and is actually only a few pounds shy of what E weighed when we brought him home at 12 months old! It gives me comfort during this long, indefinite waiting period to know that she is apparently healthy. Every week I think "this is the week" for good news and one of these days I'm going to be right. Keep your fingers crossed!

How do you do it?

Over the last month I have been asked this question more times than I can possibly count. My answer - hair dye and chocolate! I have a wonderful hair stylist who diligently works to keep my ever-growing crop of gray hairs hidden and I am enjoying chocolate at will. :)

There has still been no movement with our adoption and while it is frustrating and a little bit scary, we are feeling quite at peace right now. I think having "been there done that" once already is feeding our emotional stability. We know that adoption works - we have proof every day in our home. We know that the children in the orphanage are having their basic needs met and that the caregivers work very hard and love them all very much. When people comment that they don't know how we can stand it - the waiting, the uncertainty, "knowing" our daughter and not being able to rush over to bring her home, not having an end in sight; I try to explain that there IS indeed an end in sight we just don't know when. The fact is, I see her in our family and in our home. I see her growing up with her brother, playing outside, sitting in the currently empty seat at our dinner table. I picture our family a year from now and ten years from now and she is part of it. So, while some days are truly a struggle and we worry about her and we feel sad that she is not already here, most days we hold on to the belief that "THE CALL" will come soon and we will begin the next leg of this amazing adventure.

We were extremely blessed to receive a new photo this week from a family that travelled recently. We learned one very important thing from this photo - we need to start saving our money for a piano!



In other news, we are preparing for E's eye surgery next Thursday. The doctor says it is generally a pretty straight-forward, uncomplicated procedure, but to me any procedure requiring general anesthesia is dangerous. I am quite anxious about it and ask that if anyone has spare prayers that day, please keep E and the surgeon in them.

We have had a pretty busy and fun fall so far. I have over a hundred pictures on my camera waiting for download and as soon as I have some time, I will grace this blog with the extreme cuteness that is our son! Today after I am done with work we are going to make a big pot of chili and carve some pumpkins. Tomorrow E gets to try out trick-or-treating. He kind of "gets it" this year - we were practicing in the living room last night and he thought it was pretty cool that all he had to say was "tikoteat" and I put candy in his bucket. I was pretty proud of the fact that he remembered his "thank yous" each time, too. We'll see how he does with the real thing tomorrow.

Thank You!

We were blessed to be able to meet the owners of the wonderful restaurant that is helping to fund our adoption grant through The Gift of Adoption Fund. The restaurant is Zaffiros Pizza in Milwaukee and the owners Mike and Rose are the most caring and compassionate people we've ever met. Their family was built through adoption and they truly understand the hurdles adoptive parents today face in trying to raise the funds necessary to bring their kids home. It is a very quaint and welcoming place and the pizza is phenomenal!


Zaffiros have partnered with The Gift of Adoption Fund which is an organization committed to helping build families one child at a time. Their work is amazing and their CEO, Pam, is very passionate about what they do. I would encourage anyone who is able and willing to support this amazing organization please do so. We are so grateful for their work and their belief in us as a family.

All that's missing.....

is our little princess. The room is painted, the bedding has arrived and thanks to some very generous mommies, we have quite a lot of little girl clothes. The crib is still at the store where it will stay until we have travel dates, but I'm trying to stay optimistic and slowly get things together. In my last post I mentioned that some bedding I had ordered had arrived, but we decided to send it back. I've had a hard time choosing bedding for K for several reasons. First off, as those who know me can attest to, I'm not really a girly-girl. I don't like pink, frilly, lacey things and that seems to be mostly what's out there for infant girl bedding. Second, K and E will share a room for a while - we only have 2 bedrooms on our main floor and I am just not ready to be more than a few steps away. Therefore, I wanted to have something that would at least kind of coordinate with E's decor. Third, bedding is EXPENSIVE! I run on a pretty tight budget and I just couldn't justify spending $200 on bedding. Then....I found IT. I saw a set I really loved - the perfect combination of class and glamour, but it was $200. On a whim I decided to check eBay (my new best friend) and found a brand new set on auction with only 19 hours left. I set my max bid at $60 and ended up winning it for $46. I was so excited and even more so when it arrived yesterday and was just as perfect as I'd hoped it would be.

I know the suspense is just killing you, so here it is (our set has the crib bedding, valance, diaper stacker, toy bag and pillow):

A VERY good day

Yesterday was one of those pretty darn good days. It started off with updated measurements of K from our agency. Now, I generally take these measurements fairly lightly as we've experienced the inaccuracy and inconsistency with them in the past. However, K has had a significant gain since last report and I figure even if they're off some, she almost certainly has had a gain which is tremendously encouraging to us right now. She is now the weight of a very healthy newborn!

The day only got better when I was notified that we have indeed received a grant from the same organization that helped us with E's adoption last year. We feel so incredibly blessed by the compassion and generosity of the grant selection committee and all those who support these foundations throughout the year so they may continue to offer financial assistance to adoptive families.

Later, I arrived home to find the crib bedding set I had ordered for K's crib (which is still at the store). We decided we don't really care for it as much as we did on the computer screen (the hazards of online shopping) and are sending it back in exchange for something else, but it was still pretty cool that it arrived.

All we're missing is some good news from Bishkek.............